"Can I ask something?"
"No, I'm pissed now."
This could be said in a polite tone - no doubt. But managing one's own tone when mad is quite rare around here. So I listen. And I stay quiet. I give some more space for him:
"Imagine if you didn't shut it down..."
And the same words, full of rage, come again.
"Can you believe that this is not the first time someone says those things to me?", I say, calmly.
More rage.
"I'm so thankful that you were here."
And more rage.
He wanted to argue that "the shock" (meaning: telling me "what's right" in an emotional altered tone, over and over again) is "the way" of changing someone else's behavior.
I disagreed. It's simply not true. But he wasn't there to talk. He was there to preach. And he did.
And I listened.
I gave it some time, poured a bit of the food, said I was thankful for everything and that it wouldn't happen again. Kindly.
Just being there was heavy. Hard to describe. Well, he was the reason I didn't leave the room in the first place. Today I had a little piece of his "directed emotional attention", I guess.
There was so much anger in that man. So much hate. He truly believed that talking to me like that, using that tone and repeating over and over was the right thing to do.
I had noticed already he hasn't been open for talking sessions - even when nothing was apparently "bothering" him. That rage is not just about what happened. Or about me. Is bigger than that. Somehow I'm pretty sure of it but I can't explain why.
I'm happy with my response. How I answered, how I listened, how I addressed. It took tons of self regulation, on spot. No rest, no prep. I guess all that social-emotional studies were good for something after all...
.
What I wanted to ask:
"How long does it take for you to let this anger go? How long does it take for you to forgive me?"
You can be upset about anything I do, yet, it doesn't give you the right to preach me. It doesn't matter if I'm under your roof, even if I was your daughter. I wonder how you could learn that...
No feeling allows you to throw your emotions towards someone.
That's not "teaching". That's regurgitating.
I'm being respectful and listening because I think this is the best thing to do in the moment - since you're not open to talk at all and this behavior seems to be a constant from you.
As I wanted to say, but you didn't let me say it: I believe people can change. I really do. There's always something to be learned. And there's lots and lots of paths for that to happen. I'm open to change and I really am grateful for the opportunity of learning (or "unlearning") behaviors.
I wish you could see yourself a bit more, and actually listen to others. It would be so good for your family. And God knows to what else...
.
Extra: His wife cleaned up the mess. As I got to the kitchen she was finishing it. I asked if it was from what I left there, and she complied. And I thanked her. "No problem". And that was it. And she left. She knew what was coming - she knows her husband. And she remained away and quiet. She looked tired from the day already, but she cleaned up my mess and didn't bother for it. Even if she was upset about something. she restrained it. She didn't throw up any emotions on me.
Well, as a grown-up woman I felt like I was facing a battle while listening to that man. A battle to keep myself unharmed by the hatred spilled in between words. Reacting would be way easier, but all that anger wasn't mine. Nothing had happened. Everything was safe and sound. If he wanted to be pissed of by it that's not on me. His feelings are his and I don't need to respond emotionally to it. Even though I could sense all that anger he wasn't disrespectful through his words. He knows how to do it. Manipulate other's feelings with harmful tone instead of harmful words.
Even if I was upset about anything I wouldn't show him my innermost feelings - and that was my defense. My passive attack was reassuring him that I understood what he said, acknowledging, repeating, showing I was giving space for thought and realizing the situation with his lens, plus my own reflections about my behavior. Always recognizing how wrong I was and how terrible that situation could have been.
I imagine how this aggressive and manipulative behavior, from a grown-up man, would be felt by a little kid...
Nothing like living with in-laws to understand a husband better.
